Non-custodial Visitation: How Much Time with Our Kids Is Enough?

It was the summer of 2014, and the day I dreaded was rapidly approaching.  My ex-wife and I had been homeschooling our daughter, the Princess, for Kindergarten and First grade, but as she continued to get older it was getting a lot less feasible.  My wife the Queen (Princess’s blended mom, a.k.a. stepmom) and I both worked full time jobs, so the homeschooling schedule I had in place for Princess was quite rigorous.  I would wake up at 5 a.m. and begin Princess’s video lessons at 6 in the morning.  After an hour or two of morning lessons I would then drop her off at daycare with a book bag containing the assignments she was to complete during the day while I was at work.  After work I would pick her up from daycare and head home to complete her remaining video lessons and grade her assignments for the day.  If I had to work extra hours for my day job, I would delay grading the assignments for a couple of days, which sometimes carried over into the weekends.  Sundays were then spent planning lessons for the upcoming week.  I also enrolled Princess into enrichment courses led by instructors at homeschooling associations and took her to those classes on days when I teleworked.  The building where the classes were held had WiFi, so I worked remotely from the school until her classes were finished.

Though the schedule was quite intense, there were many benefits to such a non-traditional arrangement.  First of all, Princess’s bio mom and I had a joint custody arrangement splitting time with her equally, so homeschooling her allowed Princess to continue having equal time with both parents even though we didn’t live in the same city.  We could schedule time freely without the constraints that come with navigating around traditional school schedules because Princess’s school work could be completed anytime and administered by either parent.  As a result, I was able to maximize my quality time with Princess and do things like have lunch with her at the park in the middle of the day.  Another benefit was the level of hands on involvement we had in Princess’s education.  We were able to ensure she picked up the skills we believed were important and give her a lot more one-on-one attention than she would have received in a traditional school setting.  Princess was also required to take more ownership over her work by completing her assignments at daycare on her own and keeping them organized.  This taught her responsibility and independent learning skills at an early age.

In spite of all of these benefits, the trade-offs eventually became too much.  The weight of managing the homeschooling schedule while working overtime on my day job began to wear me down with fatigue, and Princess’s bio mom and I agreed that as she got older a traditional classroom setting would be better for her personality and social development.  We made plans to relocate to the same city so we could enroll Princess in public school while still maximizing our time with her as parents.  However, this meant that Princess would need to live primarily with one parent rather than splitting time equally, and I as the dad had agreed to make the sacrifice and let her live with her bio mom.

Though I knew that, given our circumstances, traditional schooling was the best plan for Princess’s education and development, having our time together significantly reduced was a tough pill to swallow.  The 50/50 joint custody arrangement had been in place since her bio mom and I divorced, so I had maintained a strong presence in Princess’s life since she was born.  I worried that spending significantly less time with her could have a negative impact, and that I would not be able to provide the essential things a daughter needs from her father.  Princess and I were extremely close, and I did not want our bond to weaken due to the reduced contact.

This situation led me to wonder just how much time with our kids is enough to meet their needs?  In order to answer this question and cope with the stress of the changes I was facing, I needed to get a new perspective and find some creative solutions.  I reached out to my marriage and family counselor, who helped me change my outlook and gave me some good advice.  Based on his insight and my own experience, here is what I learned about spending time with our kids:

• Quality is more important that quantity – In today’s world, people often have the mindset that “more is better”. However, when it comes to time with our kids, this is not necessarily the case.  One of the most important things my counselor did was help me change my focus from the quantity of time spent with my daughter to the quality of our time together.  He suggested that I work on making every moment we had together special and memorable, no matter how short or infrequent they may be.  This shifted my perspective on time with our kids.  I went from fretting over the time we lost to cherishing and maximizing the time we had.
  1. Be creative — I began planning regular daddy daughter dates and incorporating traditions such as getting specific kinds of ice cream together or playing our favorite games. I then realized how much Princess looked forward to these outings and how our bond continued to strengthen even though we spent less time together than in the past.
  2. Be present — Looking back, before I began focusing on quality time with our kids, there were times when Princess and I were together that I wasn’t really “present” in the moment. I would be distracted on my phone or computer, and I distinctly remember Princess grabbing my hands and moving them away from the keyboard because I was not paying attention to her.  I thought that simply being around was enough, even if I was working while we played a movie in the background.  Now I understand that our kids value meaningful and attentive time with us, even if there is less of it available.
• Be consistent… SCHEDULE IT! — Kids appreciate it when we make a deliberate effort to set aside time just for them on a regular basis.  They enjoy knowing when they will have our attention and that they are important enough for us to take time away from work, chores, and errands to spend time with them.  Our kids enjoy the anticipation of regular family game nights, movie nights, or trips to the park or ice cream shop.  I also make an effort to eat lunch with them at school occasionally.  Specific time with our kids has made a huge difference in our relationships and the atmosphere of our home.  Schedule in time with your kids and let them know about it, then watch how positively it impacts them.
• Be available – With shared custody it is really easy to get caught up in day-to-day life and forget to stay in contact regularly in between visits when you are the non-custodial parent. Due to my busy lifestyle, this has been particularly challenging for me, and I must make a constant effort to keep the lines of communication open between us when Princess is with her bio mom.  I used to wait until I had a big block of time to talk, only to find that those blocks of time rarely arrived.  Now I realize that even a quick text message to say hello, make a joke, send a picture, or just let Princess know I am thinking about her goes a long way.  I also remind her that she can contact me anytime, whether she needs something specific or just wants to talk.

Applying these strategies when it comes to spending time with our kids has worked wonders in helping me maintain and grow my bond with both of them, even though I have less time with Princess than in the past.  Give these techniques a try and I pray you will enjoy the same benefits!