14
Mar
Off

Sharing vs Not Sharing in a Blended Family

“Give it back!”

“Hey, that’s MINE!”

“I was just looking at it.”

 

These words echoed through our home for the first several years after the Queen and I were married.  As a blended family of four with both adults having a child from a previous relationship, establishing ground rules for sharing, territory and ownership was an extremely important and challenging part of the blending process.

Though most people would agree that sharing and generosity are positive behaviors that everyone should strive for, there are also other aspects to consider when addressing ownership within a blended family structure.  Step children are being subjected to a significant amount of change over which they have no control or influence.  They are being asked to accept and co-exist with a new parent and/or sibling which they did not choose, and the introduction of such unknown and unpredictable factors into their lives often disturbs a child’s sense of stability.  In order to regain traction and establish some level of control over their environment, step children often become territorial and demonstrate what may appear to be selfish and “spoiled” behaviors.  In actuality, these children are often trying to regain some degree of security and control over an environment that has become foreign to them.  On the flip side, children who are being shut out of a particular territory may feel excluded, rejected, and isolated.

So how do the parents in a blended family navigate these strange waters and balance each child’s need for security with the other’s need for acceptance?  Though there is no one size fits all formula, based on my experience there are a few things that every blended family should consider when establishing boundaries and building trust and within the unit:

  1. A little control can be beneficial – Children in blended families need time to adapt. They are often going from having sole access to their parent and belongings to sharing both with people they barely know.  Reserving certain belongings and alone time with their bio parent just for them can help ease the transition by giving the children some control so they can feel more secure.  Initially, I labeled our children’s unwillingness to share as selfish behavior and forced them to share everything.  This resulted in a lot of tension and emotional discord that I did not expect.  Once I adapted my approach and allowed each child to have certain things to themselves, including time with their bio parents, they became much more flexible and eventually the house was a lot more peaceful.
  2. Encourage and celebrate some level of sharing – Though we allowed our children to keep some of their belongings to themselves, we continued to stress that sharing was an admirable thing to do and promoted the benefits of generosity. Whenever one of the kids shared or was generous we made a big deal out of it by complimenting them and saying how proud we were.  This positive reinforcement was key in helping the kids to make better decisions and become more giving.
  3. Respect others’ belongings – There were times when sharing backfired and our kids broke one another’s toys. These situations definitely made it much harder to build the trust necessary to facilitate sharing, but they were also opportunities to talk about respecting one another’s belongings and forgiveness.  The ground rules for playing with one another’s toys were that they had to ask the other party for permission before touching the items, and they must be extra careful when playing with them.  However, occasionally accidents do occur, so when our loved ones do something that hurts us we are to look at their hearts and practice forgiveness.  The offending party should also apologize whether they meant to cause harm or not.  This is an important relationship principle our children can carry forward into adult life.
  4. Allow trust to build gradually – No matter how intensely we advocate sharing, it takes time for the kids to buy into this principle. Forcing it upon them is typically not the best approach over the long term because it can make them feel less secure and lead to resentment.  For them, familiarity equals security in this new blended family environment, so they will not relinquish what used to be their territory without some work.  Be patient and give them time to recognize that there is enough love and “stuff” to go around for everybody in the new family unit.
  5. Lead by example – One of the most important things the parents in a blended family can do is demonstrate the above principles within the marriage. Believe it or not, the children aren’t the only ones who often have trouble establishing new boundaries and building the trust needed to willingly share belongings and loved ones.  Newly married couples have to come to terms on how to handle finances, assets, and parenting among other things.  My wife, for example, was initially uncomfortable merging our finances, so we maintained separate accounts for the first few years of our marriage.  Eventually as we built trust, she agreed to set up a joint account for use in paying bills, but first I had to step back and give her the time and space to get comfortable within our family unit.  Once she saw that I trusted her with my finances and would make responsible decisions with money (respect her belongings), she became more trusting and open in our marriage in general.  Sharing a bank account is not for everyone, but it is one example of how our trust for one another and unity grew in a tangible way.  Building an atmosphere of trust within the marriage carries over into the family as a whole and helps the children feel secure enough to be open and trusting as well.  On the flip side, distrust and guardedness in a marriage often leads to the same behaviors in the children and reinforces any feelings of insecurity.

 

Overcoming fear and building trust and unity within a blended family seems like a big hurdle at first.  Just remember it is a gradual process that improves over time as the fear of losing something dissipates.  As each member of the family figures out that he/she belongs and their needs will be met within the new unit, everyone will become less territorial and more willing to share belongings, loved ones, and themselves.