Common Growing Pains of Blended Families

The blended life is not easy.

Things get hard.

Really hard.  See if you recognize any of the following examples:

Your blended kids (commonly known as step kids)…

… tell you to your face you are not their parent and cannot tell them what to do.

… disobey you in your own house, and sometimes outright ignore you.

… use both of their bio parents to get what they want.

… fight with your bio kids, and your spouse takes their side even when they’re wrong.

… intentionally do things to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

… do not have or respect any boundaries.

Your bio kid…

… is not bonding well with their blended parent (commonly known as step parent).

… does not respect their blended parent.

… does things that jeopardize your relationship with your spouse (whether intentionally or unintentionally).

… might desire a better relationship with their blended parent, but feels torn due to a sense of loyalty to their other bio parent.

… is not getting along with his or her blended siblings.

… does not seem to be adjusting well to the blended family.

… longs for the days when it was just the two of you or when you were with their bio parent.

… exhibits behavior that causes you to question whether being in a blended family is what’s best for them.

… wants you to get back together with their other bio parent.

… keeps asking questions about why you and their other bio parent are not together.

… feels awkward discussing your family to his or her friends, teachers, or coaches.

… manipulates you and/or their other bio parent to get what they want.

… does not have or respect boundaries.

Your spouse’s ex (co-parent)…

… does things to make co-parenting difficult or seem nearly impossible.

… badmouths you and/or your spouse to their kid(s).

… competes with you and your spouse for the best parent award.

… tells the child/children they don’t have to listen to you.

… refuses to acknowledge you at all.

… sends inappropriate texts and/or emails to your spouse.

… disrespects your spouse in ways that tempt you to forget about the kids and have a confrontation.

… starts conflicts with your spouse that carry over into your relationship.

… tries to convince your spouse things would be better if they came back to them.

Your ex (co-parent)…

… does not recognize or respect your spouse’s role as a blended parent (step parent).

… tries to put a barrier between your bio child and the blended parent.

… competes with you and your spouse for the best parent award.

… interacts with you in ways that cause conflict in your marriage (like treats you disrespectfully, flirts or sends you inappropriate texts or emails).

… badmouths you and/or your spouse to your bio kid(s).

… tells the child/children they don’t have to listen to your spouse.

… has not fully accepted your current relationship and at times acts inappropriately.

… makes it difficult for you to navigate between advocating their continued involvement with your child and protecting your marriage and family.

… tries to convince you things would be better if you came back to them.

… treats you and your child as a package deal and tries to use your fear of them abandoning your child to get what they want with you.

… dates people or is in a committed relationship with someone you do not trust around your child.

You and/or your spouse’s families…

… do not trust your partner with the kid(s).

… have not fully accepted your partner into the family.

… always ask or talk about the other bio parent (ex) and can’t seem to let go.

… maintain an entangled relationship with the other bio parent that makes your spouse feel threatened.

… make your spouse feel uncomfortable at family gatherings.

… do not invite your spouse to family gatherings.

… get into frequent conflicts with your spouse.

… ignore your spouse all together.

You and/or your spouse…

… do not fully trust your spouse with your bio kid(s).

… put your bio kid(s) first to the point where your spouse often feels left out.

… feel guilty for not giving your bio kid(s) a traditional family.

… are not fully committed/invested in your family and marriage (you are holding parts of yourself back from your spouse and/or blended kids).

… confuse your longingness to raise your child in a traditional family with a desire to be with your ex.

… confide in your ex (or another member of the opposite sex who is not a professional counselor) regarding issues in your household/marriage.

… trust your ex (co-parent) more with your bio kid(s) than your current spouse.

… think to yourselves that if you knew being in a blended family would be this difficult you would never have entered such a commitment.

…have days when you think you and your bio kids were better off before you created this new family, and you seriously think about leaving for good.

… think you might be clinically depressed (or know you are).

If you have experienced any of the above, you are not alone, and you are not doomed.  Every one of us who are in a blended family have faced one or more of these situations or thoughts at some point in time.  The question is, where do you go from here?

No one has all the answers.  In fact, if someone says they do, RUN!  However, there are things that have worked for some blended families that could help move yours in the right direction.  We will be discussing each of the challenges listed above in future blogs, but before you can even begin addressing specific problems there are some fundamental actions you can take to create a stronger foundation for your marriage and family:

1. See a professional counselor – This is a sticking point for many marriages, and the mere suggestion of going to a counselor can start fights rather than resolving them. Sometimes one partner is reluctant to go or outright against counseling.  From my experiences, it is usually my fellow men who won’t go (not always, but typically).  Reasons can vary from it being expensive to thinking they will be ganged up on or resenting the idea of someone else telling them how to fix their marriage or raise their kids.  Not to mention counseling requires opening up and talking about their feelings, and most men would rather walk across a bed of nails mixed with hot coals than discuss feelings if given the option.  However, though it can be uncomfortable for some, I can tell you from experience that counseling saved my marriage and family.  It can often work wonders for your situation if you listen open mindedly and apply the tools provided by the counselor.  You won’t apply them perfectly or constantly at first, but if you keep trying, then over time you will see a difference.  Even if your partner is not, keep doing what the counselor says.  Eventually your spouse might come around, and even if they don’t your kids will benefit, and you will have the peace of mind of knowing you are doing everything possible to help your family grow.  A couple of tips:
   1. Both spouses should participate in choosing a counselor you respect. Mutual buy in is key.
   2. Do not use the counselor to beat your partner into submission. Counseling is for both of you and it is best to work on yourself and let the counselor work with your partner.  If we look in the mirror, we all have more work to do on ourselves than we initially think.  Counseling is most effective when each spouse focuses on his or her own personal growth individually and within the marriage and family.
   3. Be patient. Things won’t change overnight, but stay with it and eventually your family will get better.
2. Find a group/community of couples like you for support – Isolation magnifies problems. When you believe you are the only one going through something and that no one understands, it can make you feel hopeless.  Confiding in friends and family is not always a good approach because they can take sides and start to develop a negative impression of your partner with only one side of the story.  That impression might linger even after you and your partner resolve your issues.  A support group of couples who are having similar experiences gives you an outlet to vent and discuss your challenges and potential solutions without jeopardizing relationships with family and friends.  Often another couple has had success in an area that is challenging for you and can give suggestions or insight, and you can do the same for them.  Also, knowing that others have experienced or are currently facing the same challenges puts you at ease and helps you to avoid taking extreme actions due to high stress levels or hopelessness.
3. DATE YOUR SPOUSE! – I cannot emphasize this enough. YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE MUST KEEP THE FUN AND EXCITEMENT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP!    Strengthening and unifying your family requires the marriage to be strong first.  That means you and your partner need to do things that remind you of why you like each other and what brought you together in the first place.  Get away from all the drama and simply enjoy each other’s company on a regular basis.  Dates should be scheduled at least monthly if not every other week, and do not use money as an excuse because some of the best dates cost little to nothing.  Plan a picnic, go hiking, or grab a favorite Redbox movie you watched when you were dating and buy some snacks you love from the grocery store.  It doesn’t have to be expensive, it simply needs to be fun and thoughtful with no one else around but the two of you.  Having fun and remembering what you love about being together is one of the best things you can do for your family because it shows your kids you are unified and happy.  Then you can lead them from a position of strength and harmony rather than weakness and discord.
4. Put your marriage first – This is an area where many couples have issues because it does not come naturally. However, as long as you have a responsible, well-meaning, and non-abusive partner, putting your marriage first is one of the best things you can do for your kids. (Note: This does not mean choosing your partner’s desires to the detriment of your child in a way that emotionally or physically scars them.  You should never allow that!)  First, as I mentioned before, a healthy marriage enables you to lead your family from a position of strength.  Similar to being in an emergency on an airplane, giving yourselves (the marriage) oxygen first equips you to then help your kids and deal with any challenges that may come.  When you and your spouse have a strong and healthy union, the kids will see both of you as a united front and realize they can’t manipulate either of you to get what they want.  Secondly, it teaches the kids humility and selflessness because they will realize the world doesn’t revolve around them. (It really doesn’t.  Sorry mom!)  Thirdly, kids LOVE seeing their biological parent cared for and happy.  It gives them a sense of stability and freedom knowing they do not have to worry and that mom or dad is doing great without them.  Just make sure you continue to be present for them and express your love so they know there’s room for everyone and your love for them has not changed.  Children are important gifts that cannot be replaced and they should know it.
5. Pray together – If you and your partner are spiritual, praying together regularly is POWERFUL. During joint prayer, you will find yourselves opening up in ways you might not normally because you are laying all of your concerns before God.  Praying enables you both to see one another’s hearts and builds solidarity in the marriage.  Try scheduling regular prayer time and watch how it transforms your marriage and household!

As I said before, no one has all the answers, but these are a few of the strategies that have helped many blended families grow, heal, and flourish, including mine.  As a matter of fact, in writing this I have realized I need to be more diligent myself with date nights and a couple of other strategies.

Stay tuned to our blog for even more engaging content that addresses the many challenges blended families face.  Then we can all focus on solutions in these areas and share how they impact our families!